Amy Annonymous

It’s July 5th. Yesterday was the USA’s 250th birthday that fell on a Saturday. 405 days ago this would have been the trifecta and the good champagne would have been bought. Life has other plans though and instead I had my second sober 4th of July. It was next level hot and if you live in FL you know this is just the warm up. August is where we hit peak heat and wonder what we’re doing living here in the first place. So it’s essential you are near A/C or a body of water at all times. Yesterday I pulled out all my swim suits and even though I have traded my alcohol addiction for a fitness addiction, I was mad at every suit I put on. Yes, I know it’s all in my head. But I chose not to wear a swim suit to the pool party a few hours later and just bake on the pool deck instead hoping the heat would melt off the final 5 lbs that’s hanging on for dear life. The only other saving grace we have down here is the guaranteed 3pm thunderstorm that did show up just in time as the burgers were going on the grill. The weather did cool down after and the food was delish. As I was feeling more comfortable I was unexpectedly offered a glass of wine from a family member. It caught me off guard as I’m pretty open about being sober. I was surprised at how caught off guard I was. I was in a group and they all heard it and said family member immediately regretted  it. She said she forgot which also sucked because there’s nothing quite like one of your biggest accomplishments being forgotten! So I casually walked away and got excited over the cooler of every soda brand possible. I popped a Ginger Ale and had a moment of feeling nothing at all. Not fun, not excitement, not annoyed. Nothing. Crazy right? I just sat and after a few minutes got something to eat and struck up a new convo with someone else. After I got my family home safely and my face was washed and I was in comfy jammies (none of it gets old) I thought about it and how freaking proud I was of myself for using what I have learned in this past year to stay committed to myself! I still said no and the feeling of disappointment did pass. The family member did text today and apologize. It’s a crazy world out there when you’re going against the tide! 

WHY does it cost $100 just to walk out the door?! I was let go from my job a few months ago and lately I have been feeling it. I was able to have a remote job for 3 years which was great. I didn’t have to take off when the kids were out of school, or sick. I was able to pick everyone up form school and not miss much in everyday life. But the remote positions were cut a few months ago. I had money in savings and I began applying for other similar jobs but they want me in the office from 8-5. So now my savings is gone and the kids aren’t getting any cheaper! I feel the pressure every grocery trip and every-time I hear “mom, I need ___” I know my husband is feeling it too. But this is life, right? RIGHT?!  So here I am sitting here camped out in my living room typing out my frustrations instead of going outside! It’s hot and expensive AF out there. That’s really all I have to say about that. 

Life has ups and it has downs and it has it’s right down the middles. We are building a pool but we signed the contract in March and I’m beginning to wonder if they lost it. I’m proud of my sobriety and all the hard work I have put into myself. I know I am right where I need to be with my kids as their support system, and main source of transportation. I was reminded during another Peloton workout to stop and enjoy the view. I may not be at the top of the mountain but darn it I’m climbing it and sometimes I need to remind myself to take a minute to enjoy the view from where I’m at. I’m thankful that sobriety has given me that perspective. I can have a hard day or a hard moment, and I know it will pass. I don’t need to numb it out and feel the effects later, that are likely gonna come with regrets.

Any 90’s kids reading this happen to remember Jerry Springer? Of course you do. Even if you didn’t watch it every day after school, “sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer” became a tag line in every home when some crazy story about the neighbors came out. Jerry (RIP) always ended every show with his final thought. A few days after I started this post I had one of those days where it was all going wrong! Including dropping my long awaited fountain Diet Coke in the parking lot on the way to my loner car-that was broken (this will be another story for another time, don’t worry). I got home and felt frustrated- again. Woe is me (pretty sure that’s another 90’s phrase) I checked out on the socials and a post came across about a middle school aged girl my kids had grown up with who had passed away after a year long battle with cancer. It stopped me in my tracks. I felt only an ounce of pain that the mom had to be feeling posting that message. What she wouldn’t give to have my frustrations. Heavy, I know, but it’s the truth. So here is my final thought- don’t forget to stop and enjoy your view. I am so incredibly thankful for the simple things in life like being able to feed my kids that are here with me. I’m thankful for my own health that I am able to work on everyday. I’m just thankful and I’m praying daily for this pain that this mom is experiencing. We never know when things can change and sometimes we just need to be reminded. So-

“Take care of yourself, and each other.” -Jerry Springer