Last Saturday I was reminded by my “I am Sober” app that I am 16 months sober. My initial thought was, that’s nice. Then I thought “that’s it”?.

Thankfully, it’s hard for me to remember the feeling of craving or worse- needing a drink. I told a friend alcohol is like tobacco to me, since I was never interested in tobacco, I have never craved it so that’s how it is for me now with the booze. It’s not even a thought. Until this past Saturday. I was invited to two different events one being a celebration of life for an old coworker. The other was a Sunday funday brunch, both of these occurring back-to-back. 17 months ago Amy would have made it happen. I would have brunched with mimosas outside in the perfect Florida fall weather (finally!) then drove over to the celebration of life to reunite with so many friends from a really special time in life. I would have had drinks and laughed, it would have been amazing. I would have gotten home at a reasonable hour and helped my kids get ready for the week ahead. All of that is a complete LIE. I have officially come to the part of sobriety where my brain is trying to trick me. Since it’s been a while, my brain has conveniently forgotten about how that day would have really ended. The celebration of life was at the old bar I used to work at which is also a 40 minute drive. I would have drank Savi B and probably at least one shot that would have been offered, then tell myself it wasn’t even dark out so I can stay for one more. The music would have kept me there until way after the kids were supposed to be in bed. I would have ignored all the texts and calls asking when I was coming home and eventually, I would convince myself that I was fine to drive and make that trek home. I would have walked in and passed out in my clothes…if I didn’t die or get a DUI. I know for a fact that is what would happen if I was still drinking. That doesn’t mean it made my decision to stay home any easier. I was sad. I don’t think I would have been tempted to drink but I did want to. Why can’t I? Why am I like this? I’m serious, if anyone knows I’m all ears! Instead I stayed home and felt like I was just sitting and staring at a wall. I was mad. sad. bored. over it.

BUT here I am Monday afternoon. I didn’t drink. Instead I sat my ass down in that chair and I did stare at the wall and I dealt with it. I sat with all of the unfun and un glamourous parts that are unfortunately part of this journey. I’m not mad at myself anymore. I would have been real mad if I ruined 16 months of something that I hold dear. Just for fun here are the rest of the things I missed out on while I thought I was missing out on a good time:

• wasted $ on a bar tab and Uber
• bail $ in case I decided against Uber
• embarrassing photos
• embarrassing conversations
• embarrassing texts
• terrible sleep
• 1000 + calories on shitty food and drinks.
• hangover that would ruin my Monday
• anxiety for days
• angry family members

Since lists are fun here’s the short one on what happened instead:

• Felt frustrated for a few hours with a little FOMO
• took my kids to the Flea Market where we had a great time!
• went to bed at a reasonable hour with zero regrets.
• still have most of my small bank balance minus the $30 spent at the Flea Market.

Could I have gone to the brunch and celebration of life and drank my Diet Coke? of course I could have. But- as soon as the thought of “why can’t I have just one?” entered my mind I knew I couldn’t. It wasn’t going to be worth the mental gymnastics of reminding myself I am different and feeling stupid because I’m not like everyone else. I’m not sure what scenario would be worth it- but those weren’t it.

So here I am at the 16th month of sobriety. It’s not that much different than the other ones, except I am that much further along than I was when I just wanted to stop holding myself back from a better life. My little sober ship is still moving in the right direction away from chaos. I’m still trying to figure it all out but also know that’s part of the adventure. I am still incredibly thankful for my decision to remain committed to a sober life even when it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. 500 days is less than a month away and I think I am going to plan something special for myself for that milestone. Something a little fancier than the Flea Market!

I also finally made it to the gym for the first time in forever on Saturday at 2 pm. The place was empty and it was great! I listened to an old podcast that I needed to hear: “How do I find my purpose” with Jay Shetty